Talkin with Teenie: Breast Cancer Invaded Our Lives

October 13, 2009

Breast Cancer Invaded Our Lives

Guest post by Charlie @ The Dewitt Family

Hi – My name is Charlie and I was asked by Tina if I wanted to provide her with a blog post for the month of October beings that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and all. I immediately said yes. The reason? There may be a remote chance that something I write about very well could help someone in some small way. And after experiencing breast cancer in our family I can tell you every little positive boost you can get is so very important to get you through it.

So what’s my story? I am a widower. Sorry to start off on the negative side. My wife Christine was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer in Sept 2004. Life was going very well for us at the time. Then came the diagnosis. It was just a huge kick in the stomach to the entire family. After a 3 year battle she passed away at home in Sept 2007. During the 3 years of treatment I was by her side for each and every doctor visit and procedure that she had. Cancer not only invaded her body, but it invaded our entire family’s life, including our 3 children. It was not her struggle, it was ours. It was up to both her and I to fight the battle together, which we did so diligently and hard, but it was not meant to be. Our children were just fantastic through the whole process and the change in their lives has been overwhelming.

What I want to write about here though is not necessarily the battle that we went through, but what happens after the battle is over. I kept a detailed blog about much of the day to day activities that we went through during her treatment. You can read that at www.christinedewitt.com. It covers a lot, including the all important first year after she died. You’ll be able to see some happy and some sad moments throughout.

No, what I want to tell you about is what happens to a man that is now thrust into having to take care of 1 daughter (19), 2 boys (14, 11) and the entire household on his own. One word can never describe it. What had been always taken for granted was now high on the priority list. Things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, and even the small things like making school lunches (they buy now!) all become the highest priority. I had to make sure that my daughter was taken care of in college. Seeing her go away to deal with this loss was very difficult. She has many friends though and plays on a lacrosse team all of which have certainly helped her through. The boys were devastated and our house turned into a mini-frat house. Lots of male hormones and no female around to balance everything out.

For two years I’ve been 100% focused on the house, and the children. Luckily I work in a position where I can perform my job from home. This has given me great latitude in dealing with the day to day events that all so often seem difficult to handle. The first year came and each special day of 1sts would come and eventually go. All were equally difficult, but some more difficult than others. For example, Mother’s Day will never ever be the same no matter how much time passes. The 2^nd year came with less difficulties but more challenges. We were now in a “routine” that made the house and the kids operate smoothly. We had a couple of vacations together this summer and that certainly was nice as well. But, what the 2^nd year unfortunately brought was something that I wasn’t expecting. That was the loneliness that was now starting to bubble up from inside of me. There were many times when I just could not be at home by myself. It was very hard to take.

I did attend a group counseling session at our local Hospice. It was strictly for young widows and widowers. I luckily made it under the age limit! We all had a lot in common and I found that it was very easy to talk about my spouse and my issues openly to the group. The group was a big success for me and I suggest everyone attend one like this if you ever should lose a spouse.

Well after 2 years I had finally come to the realization that our family, albeit without Chris, was doing well. The kids, schools, college, the house, everything, was in place and doing pretty well. What had been forgotten and ignored over the last 2 years was…. ME. It sounds a little selfish I know. I now need to focus on myself a lot more, both physically and emotionally. As hard as it was I made the decision to remove my wedding ring and to start looking for some companionship to help fill the emotionally void that has been left in my heart. I have to fess up though, it didn’t take long. In fact I wasn’t even looking but someone found me and both of our lives have changed for the better. I won’t go into details, but we have a great deal in common and really enjoy one another’s company. She was the one that gave me that little push that I needed to move on. I was there, but just had not made the plunge. Things are so much better today because of this.

After the 1^st year anniversary of my wife’s passing I decided that it was time to create my own blog about my new family situation. That blog is all about me, my 2 boys, and my daughter. Check us out at www.charliedewitt.com I’m sure you’ll find some amusing stories along with the more mundane day-to-day ones as well.

Grief is a horrible thing for anyone to have to endure. It is a process that can be very short or very long. It raises its ugly head often at the most unexpected moments! What I would like to leave you with is that it can be overcome. You can move on, it’s okay, but ONLY on your time, and your time ONLY. For me it was 2 very long years. As I now look to the future once again I can see joy and happiness on the horizon. It’s a welcome scene!!! Nothing will ever remove the wonderful memories that I have of my wife. They will remain with me forever. That is her gift to me.

Again, it is my hope that this entry in some way helps someone out there that is struggling, just as I have struggled. It’s a tough journey and sometimes you have to go it alone. It’s those times that you need the little boost that this may give…

Thank you,

Charlie

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